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"If you wanna make the world a better place, take a look at yourself, then make that change."

"If you don't know to the second when a drunk's gonna vomit on you, you don't survive as a strip club bouncer."

"If you want to make a song more hummy, add a few tiddely poms."

"I have always loved truth so passionately that I have often resorted to lying as a way of introducing it into the minds which were ignorant of its charms."

"Don't spend $2 to dry clean a shirt. Instead, donate it to the Salvation Army. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. The next morning buy it back for seventy- five cents."

"Having a personal philosophy is like having a pet marmoset, because it may be very attractive when you acquire it, but there may be situations when it will not come in handy at all."

"For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth."

"Those that are good manners at the court are as ridiculous in the country, as the behavior of the country is most mockable at the court."

"The one permanent emotion of the inferior man is fear - fear of the unknown, the complex, the inexplicable. What he wants beyond everything else is safety."

"Whoever cultivates the golden mean avoids both the poverty of a hovel and the envy of a palace."

"The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings. The inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of misery."

"Generosity is giving more than you can, and pride is taking less than you need."