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"The basis of optimism is sheer terror."

"Romance should never begin with sentiment. It should begin with science and end with a settlement."

"Most modern calendars mar the sweet simplicity of our lives by reminding us that each day that passes is the anniversary of some perfectly uninteresting event."

"I can't help detesting my relations. I suppose it comes from the fact that none of us can stand other people having the same faults as ourselves."

"I don't play accurately-any one can play accurately- but I play with wonderful expression. As far as the piano is concerned, sentiment is my forte. I keep science for Life."

"Religion is the fashionable substitute for belief."

"We have seen better days."

"Christianity neither is, nor ever was a part of the common law."

"Religion is pickled God."

"If someone offers you a gift, and you decline to accept it, the other person still owns that gift. The same is true of insults and verbal attacks."

"Lactomangulation, n.: Manhandling the 'open here' spout on a milk carton so badly that one has to resort to using the 'illegal' side."

"I love America. You always hurt the one you love."