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"Start every day off with a smile and get it over with."

"Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch."

"I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake--which I also keep handy."

"I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally."

"Never give a sucker an even break."

"My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies."

"EPAULET, n. An ornamented badge, serving to distinguish a military officer from the enemy -- that is to say, from the officer of lower rank to whom his death would give promotion."

"We find no evidence that Congress intended to modify the nostrum to read, 'crime does not pay, except for attorney's fees.'"

"I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out."

"Actions have consequences...first rule of life. And the second rule is this - you are the only one responsible for your own actions."

"There are some things you learn best in calm, and some in storm."

"I...have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is. I only know that people call me a feminist when I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat, or a prostitute."