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"There are people who make things happen, there are people who watch things happen, and there are people who wonder what happened. To be successful, you need to be a person who makes things happen."

"The phone company handles 84 billion calls a year --- everything from kings, queens, and presidents to the scum of the earth."

"Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying as an income tax refund."

"When faced with a problem, some people say 'Let's use AWK.' Now they have two problems."

"Nothing makes your sense of humor disappear faster than having somebody ask you where it is."

"When the Black Camel comes for me, I'm not going to go kicking and screaming. I am, however, going to try to talk my way out of it. 'No, no, you want the other Walter Slovotsky.'"

"The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity."

"If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?"

"There is nothing worse than aggressive stupidity."

"Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity."

"Lord, what fools these mortals be!"

"Strange as it seems, no amount of learning can cure stupidity, and higher education positively fortifies it."