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"Fashions are the only induced epidemics, proving that epidemics can be induced by tradesmen."

"One man that has a mind and knows it can always beat ten men who haven't and don't."

"When a thing is funny, search it for a hidden truth."

"I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation."

"What we call education and culture is for the most part nothing but the substitution of reading for experience, of literature for life, of the obsolete fictitious for the contemporary real."

"You'll never have a quiet world till you knock the patriotism out of the human race."

"When you're through changing, you're through."

"I hope this has taught you kids a lesson: kids never learn."

"A woman can look book moral and exciting ... if she also looks as if it was quite a struggle."

"God said: you must teach, as I taught, without a fee."

"Impiety, noun. Your irreverence toward my deity."

"Love the ones you can. Touch the ones you can reach. Let the others go."