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"Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead."

"Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you."

"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."

"A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend-and he's a priest."

"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage."

"Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth."

"All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think, we become."

"I have not slept one wink."

"Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate; now what's going to happen to us with both a Senate and a House?"

"What is hope? nothing but the paint on the face of Existence; the least touch of truth rubs it off, and then we see what a hollow-cheeked harlot we have got hold of."

"PROVIDENTIAL, adj. Unexpectedly and conspicuously beneficial to the person so describing it."

"When all else fails, there's always delusion."