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"The first condition of immortality is death."

"Advice to writers: Sometimes you just have to stop writing. Even before you begin."

"All is in the hands of man. Therefore wash them often."

"Thoughts, like fleas, jump from man to man, but they don't bite everybody."

"The consumer's side of the coffin lid is never ostentatious."

"When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet."

"After all it is those who have a deep and real inner life who are best able to deal with the irritating details of outer life."

"Ya know, if you treat every comic the way you treated me tonight, You would never see a bad show."

"To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing."

"The elevation of appearance over substance, of celebrity over character, of short term gains over lasting achievement displays a poverty of ambition. It distracts you from what's truly important."

"Ia€?m good enough, Ia€?m smart enough, and dog-gone it, people like me."

"Take everything you like seriously, except yourselves."