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"Nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public."

"We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart."

"Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends."

"To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia."

"It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man."

"New York: A third-rate Babylon."

"There's no reason to bring religion into it. I think we ought to have as great a regard for religion as we can, so as to keep it out of as many things as possible."

"The best index to a person's character is (a) how he treats people who can't do him any good, and (b) how he treats people who can't fight back."

"Call no man foe, but never love a stranger."

"Wasting sarcasm is a sin."

"Rare is the person who can weigh the faults of others without putting his thumb on the scales."

"People get so in the habit of worry that if you save them from drowning and put them on a bank to dry in the sun with hot chocolate and muffins they wonder whether they are catching cold."