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"WITTICISM, n. A sharp and clever remark, usually quoted, and seldom noted; what the Philistine is pleased to call a 'joke.'"

"MILLENNIUM, n. The period of a thousand years when the lid is to be screwed down, with all reformers on the under side."

"RECTOR, n. In the Church of England, the Third Person of the parochial Trinity, the Cruate and the Vicar being the other two."

"RASCALITY, n. Stupidity militant. The activity of a clouded intellect."

"PYRRHONISM, n. An ancient philosophy, named for its inventor. It consisted of an absolute disbelief in everything but Pyrrhonism. Its modern professors have added that."

"Conservative. noun. A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from a liberal, who wishes to replace them with others."

"Nothing is more difficult than the art of maneuvering for advantageous positions."

"A man of sixty has spent twenty years in bed and over three years in eating."

"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around."

"To ask advice is in nine cases out of ten to tout for flattery."

"California is a great place to live if you're an orange."

"Men are jerks. Women are psychotic."