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"Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover."

"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come."

"If something is too hard to do, then it's not worth doing. You just stick that guitar in the closet next to your shortwave radio, your karate outfit and your unicycle and we'll go inside and watch TV."

"All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat!?' I'm trying to impress people here, Lisa. You don't win friends with salad."

"It takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."

"Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix."

"We cannot be sure that we have something to live for unless we are ready to die for it."

"I moved to New York City for my health. I'm paranoid and New York was the only place where my fears were justified."

"Nothing shocks me more in the men of religion and their flocks than their pretensions to be the only religious people."

"We don't want to start a nuclear war unless we really have to, now do we Jack?"

"It is no great thing to be humble when you are brought low; but to be humble when you are praised is a great and rare attainment."

"The best audience is intelligent, well-educated, and a little drunk."