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"When someone asks you a question and you don't know the answer just yell, 'Figure it out!'"

"Type faces--like people's faces--have distinctive features indicating aspects of character"

"In Hollywood, an equitable divorce settlement means each party getting fifty percent of publicity."

"Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant, filled with odd waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don't always like."

"You never know how a horse will pull until you hook him up to a heavy load."

"The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to everybody and still nobody likes him."

"Things that we hear pass quicker from our minds than what we read."

"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler."

"The best index to a person's character is (a) how he treats people who can't do him any good, and (b) how he treats people who can't fight back."

"Did you ever see an unhappy horse? Did you ever see bird that had the blues? One reason why birds and horses are not unhappy is because they are not trying to impress other birds and horses."

"In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office."

"'Attention, attention, there are monkey-boys in the complex."